ARP. I simply could not afford basic shelter to house the equipment I have amassed through the internets anymore and I once again got chucked out of another place. I could no longer do music while on the benefit system because they exert so much pressure its impossible to concentrate so I told them to cram it and I’m going with the begging for cash on the internet route.

I’ve been moved around about 15 times in the last two years which is terribly unsettling on the psyche, panic inducing i would say.  Then this charity called HelpMusiciansUK came along and paid for me to be called autistic by some really expensive people who theorise about the brain but don’t actually know jack. I mean psychologists.

By sheer blind skill I met my girlfriend wife and she comes with peace n quiet and is really hot. She also makes me coffee the way I like it. So basically I lucked out, no idea how I did that. Unfortunately I lost my ADAMs A7X speakers in the process ( had to be sold to survive ) and then the guy that gave me a mixing desk needed the money for it and had to sell it after giving it to me lols. Never mind all that.

This whole schpiel is ruining the vibe of my ‘I am an alien that hates humans but somehow wants to convince them to give him cash’ text.

theres shit all but whinging going on with this website, its all going on over on my Twatreon ….

In another breathtakingly incompetent and what I would consider abusive move, the Highland Council once again prove that they are complete fuds that are still waiting to evolve thumbs.

I live in a caravan in a field and the council just sent me a bill for 880 pounds for 6 months of water and council tax. that is around 5 x the entire rent the individuals who live in the house here pay for the entire year and twice the total amount of benefits universal credit would give me had I not told them to shove their disabled-culling neolioberal neo-nazi bullshit.

Cut to scene:

Woman with large breasts walks into her doctors appointment.

Doctor:

“OMFG mate yee got two fucking massive lumps on ye chest, ye probably have chest cancer. With lumps that size I give ye aboot 2 ‘oors to live, I’m going to have to call an ambulance reet noo.”

“Oh hold on, you’re not female are you?”

Councils love to make noises about how they help disadvantaged people – obviously over here in the real world they couldn’t give less of a fuck unless it affects their cushy little number. We recently complained about someone in the Highland Council employ who thought it was funny we are autistic. Here is Ms. McKandles breathtakingly incompetent investigation into our complaint of discrimination against Holly Hartley of Scott and Co:

She got someone else to phone and ask them if they did anything wrong.

They said no.

End of the investigation.

Yes that’s right, you just read a one-sentence discrimination investigation

Are you joking????? This reminds me of an IDF investigation. What qualifications does this person have to investigate discrimination cases ? This is outrageous.

The Highland Council just called us liars :/

Why do the highland council exist ? What are they for ? What planet are they on? Making a disabled person on benefits pay 5 times their yearly rent in council tax for zero services seems to me to be ludicrous to the point of abuse.

My partner inherited the croft from her father who was killed on the road the council refuse to put a crossing on, it was empty for a long time because of inertia and the fact it was uninhabitable (no kitchen, bathroom, hot water or heating) yet they want 5 times the years rent in payments and 200% of the council tax for the time it was empty. This is a surcharge for disability. GTFO.

We all know that all councils are totally useless. all of them fuck everything up all the time, if you don’t fill in the correct form they literally cannot function. They want huge amounts of money from you for doing nothing, and as far as I can see the only useful function they serve is picking up waste, it seems to me they could just be replaced with a waste company.

You know how the say the cream rises to the top? Well so do turds. The Highland Council rises above other councils in terms of the dizzying heights they have achieved in incompetence.

We sat down and brainstormed what it is the council do, this is all the stuff we could think of:

With the current management of the highland council, one can imagine whale-inclusive schools, where they teach dolphin and whale clicks and farts to 6 year old kids while they grind up the bones of disabled children into a powder that they snort in their HQ’s basement.

Dolphin is really important to learn if you want to be a smack addict that can’t get a job on an oil rig.

You can just imagine the kids sitting there now being corrected on their dolphin fart noises. In fact, dolphin is actually more useful than garlic, there are way way more sentient beings you can converse with in dolphin than garlic. A dolphin is also more likely to give you a job than anyone who speaks garlic as dolphin pleasuring is a burgeoning industry atm what with the whole climate awareness thing.

As only 0.6% of the population use garlic you would think that it would not be a great priority, considering we are living in this age of the fake austerity meme where disabled people are still paying for the greed and failure of bankers and their cocaine habits. But no. Garlic is more important. tbh i thought it was something you put in spaghetti.

Roads

The highland council are definitely supposed to be responsible for roads. it says so on their website. Just not any roads anywhere near us.

According to one of their robot drones on the phone – it is really difficult to put a road sign up and our village has cars speeding by at ridiculous speeds constantly.

It seems the fact that the death of my partners father and the next door neighbours father on the same road is not reason enough to build a crossing across a national speed limit carriageway – which is what we have to cross if we wanted to go to the shop or send my partners child to the local school.

It is not enough that my partners autistic child has to regularly walk down this road with no pavement and cross the national speed limit 4 lane carriageway with two junctions coming off it.

It’s also not enough that we cant even let our pet out without huge anxiety because of the reckless and illegal driving of the crusty old fuds in this area. no offence crusty old fuds.

What would be enough ? Would a whole busload of people have to die for it to become a priority ? We wonder what the death count would have to be before something is done ? 30? 40 people dead ? What is it ?

This letter arrived yesterday. It is a perfect example of a letter you should not send to an autistic person and its worth writing why.

YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED – THIS RED INDICATES YOUR BLOOD

This is the kind of thing that can ruin your day, and physiologically change you within seconds. Even the act of the letter arriving can cause a panic attack. The worry it inspires delays opening it. Putting it off makes you even more anxious about what’s inside. It might be something that you have put off due to inertia that you are going to be punished for. Whatever it is, its probably the worst :/

Then after all that worry and anxiety you work up the courage to rip it open and its just the BBC begging for cash for their biased bullshit. They must spend a lot of money sending all these full colour letters out, they have sent me hundreds in the 25 years I haven’t had a TV. Never answered one of these, now I am answering for my family.

STATUS: UNDER INVESTIGATION – Seriously? Fuck You.

“The Public Purposes of the BBC are as follows.

1) To provide impartial news and information to help people understand and engage with the world around them: the BBC should provide duly accurate and impartial news, current affairs and factual programming to build people’s understanding of all parts of the United Kingdom and of the wider world…”

The BBC’s utter codswallop

The BBC, the channel that is basically a huge advertisement for the State and directly involved in the new rise of the right-wing / neoliberal / suicidal lunacy that has caused so much hardship for autists and other disabled people. Why the fuck would we want to pay for their propaganda? One wonders for the sanity of these people and it’s me that’s classed as having a mental ‘disorder’.

In fact, the bias thing is interesting as both left and right claim bias, somewhat validly in my opinion. The BBC is the mouthpiece of the British State. The State is neither right nor left as those are simply convenient tropes to manipulate the masses. They are totally run by, and for the British Oligarchs / Elites / Rulers – the people who actually have power in the State. In other words, money talks, peasants die.

There’s a reason I dumped my TV 25 years ago. It was triggered by a book called Amusing Ourselves to death by Neil Postman, a previous student of Marshall Mcluhan. I see it like a laymans, more digestible form of some of the ideas expressed in ‘Understanding Media‘. Despite the religious overtones some exceptional points are raised that literally made me throw my TV out immediately afterwards.

Here is my message to the BBC licence robots:

Your constant threats to leverage violence, anxiety and force your way into our home to check whether we watch your utter propaganda shit is discriminatory and completely hypocritical. You have broken your own charter and thereby the law and you then start trying to use the same law to profit from harassing disabled people. Don’t wave your fucking double standards in my face.

Here’s a quick list off the top of my head of ways you have broken your own charter. Once you start doing actual journalism I would consider paying for your service. I do not see this happening at any point ever.

The BBC want to be funded by me ? I would rather bungee jump off St. Pauls with my own intestines. GTFO.

my first PIP assessment

original article from 2018 (before my diagnosis) about this drew 5k+ shares in a few weeks. the shocking negligence of atos is explained here in Disability News.

Atos give commission on each assessment completed.

I recently tried to get help because I cry a n unnatural amount about my dogs (I lost 7 dogs at the same time and it makes me want to scoop my eyeballs out with spoons), I want to top myself and I hate the human race, I think I’m also slightly autistic in some way (undiagnosed because i keep getting abused) and hyper-sensitive to noise. I’m just generally mental I suppose you could call it. luckily help was at hand from PIP!

(I believe I was suffering from PTSD which I have managed to doggedly suppress now after about two years. the memories feel like hand grenades in my soul. i avoid them at all costs and quickly walk away from anyone who mentions dogs)

In the first line of the ten pages i wrote explaining my problems it says ‘ every time I ask for help I keep getting abused’ – and unfortunately this was no different. here’s the recording of me going to get help.

After i spent 3 days writing up a report of my lifes problems which could be summarised in an hour (lol) i asked them to come over to my house to see the soundproofing i built around my bed so I could show them i am hyper-sensitive to noise. I said I got anxious about things as well and generally didnt go out, they said they didn’t care and they wouldn’t come. ok fine. in order to make the appointment I had to stay up because i was so anxious about it. i sat and waited 11 hours watching shit on TV waiting for the appointment time, by the time it came I was knackered. took the 45 min bus ride, spending 50% of my net worth on that lol and when i arrived half hour early thinking i would have plenty of time for everything they said they wouldn’t be able to do the appointment for another 1 hour 15 minutes as they were running late. I sat there for an hour then asked – what’s going on. Well, you can hear the rest. I was abused, shown no compassion or respect whatsoever, was not even asked what my problems were.

Then when they tried to deny something they just said a minute previous I informed them I recorded it. They looked angry and told me that its illegal, despite recording me on CCTV at that very moment and every time I phone them without my permission. I phoned the police and asked them, they said its fine, its not illegal. It’s a civil matter if the person doesn’t like the recording being released. so whoever these people are – sue me if you dont like it – by the time you do it will already be plastered all over the internet and I’ve sent it out to everyone I know and twitter. so far its received over 1000 RT’s, many outraged comments from people and I have heard from so many people in the same position.

This whole thing was a big deal for me and many other people asking for help.

Atos are also deliberately lying about whether it is legal to record an assessment and that’s quite apart from the abject lack of compassion and negligence. When confronted with this on the phone (not recorded) they continued to assert it was illegal, despite me saying I just got off the phone asking the police about it.

I’m going to go with what the police told me at 13.29 on the 26th of October 2018 as the most accurate piece of information out of the two which seems reasonable to me.

here is the recording of the actual assessment:

IT IS NOT OK TO DOWNLOAD THIS!!! – this is personal enough as it is so here it stays nowhere else please ta.

I’m still trying to figure out what i actually got thrown out for and the complaint about the behaviour has not even been answered (update: almost one year later the complaint still has not been answered). When it had 5k+ shares I had a special person allocated to me, when I got overloaded with that account and deleted it, the person disappeared and they stopped answering my messages.

One person says I am confrontational, you can hear it and make up your own mind as to whether my calm questions are such. (that person was not present for the 2 minute interview and based that judgement on me asking ‘how long its going to be before someone sees me’ after missing their appointment time by an hour)

The other person says its the way I ‘presented’ myself. (that person was not present for the 2 minute interview) – I now realise what they were actually doing is asking me to stop being autistic in a place supposedly designed to help people with disabilities.

In the one place you might think you could let your anxiety actually out because you are with a supposed professional – nope! you’re not allowed to be mentally ill in a centre to assess mental illness. I knew it was bad but this is a whole nother level. The only thing i can think of is they were trying to get me out because they were behind schedule as mad as it sounds, or perhaps there is some secret directive ala the recent universal credit whistleblower.

at no point did anyone ask me what was the matter with me :(

I want to thank the pip consultation centre in Leeds for the wonderful experience of trying not to cry in front of all the old people on the 45 minute bus journey home.

You wonder how the hell they are equipped to deal with psychotic people who properly kick off if they start to freak out over my perfectly reasonable questions. tbh they sounded more mentally ill than me on the tape.

Finally, I will end this with the first paragraph of the semi-prophetic clump of paper I had in my pocket while the audio was recording. It’s a 10 page long description of my problems which I now realise they were completely uninterested in. oops got political at the end!

this guide is also applicable to other institutions that claim authority through the threat of torture, violence or starvation.

Hi. My name is Kris. I am a late diagnosis autist with special powers. This document is the result of many years of misunderstandings and misconceptions regarding my words and actions. My personal problems mainly stem around communication, sensory noise issues and PDA.

Discrimination against autists is rampant at all levels. Nobody even knows what autism is and nobody gives a fuck. A diagnosis is just a ticket to more demands you don’t want. Try and get help they tell you. You later find that help doesn’t exist. Whether diagnosed or not, as an autistic you are more at risk of violence, being locked up or even sectioned for simply being autistic. So-called high-functioning autistics are 9x more likely to commit suicide.

Reading the autistic communities horror stories about untrained police locking up autistic people and the DVLA fining you £1000 if you don’t tell them you are autistic was my first experience of post-diagnosis life.

When I hit rock bottom for the 1000th time, I finally asked for help from the doctor. They treated me in such an appalling manner it caused a meltdown (with additional throat cancer anxiety). I thought the PIP benefit system was the way I would finally get to see someone who properly knew what they were on about. I was sure once I detailed my symptoms they would notice there was definitely something wrong and get me straight onto a professional psychologist. The ten page document I wrote never even came out of my pocket. This is what happened. I was so incensed I uploaded the recording. It caused a news article: *facepalm

https://www.disabilitynewsservice.com/atos-threatens-to-call-police-after-claimant-questions-pip-assessors-mental-health-training/

I later learned there are no doctors at PIP. They call them ‘health professionals’ now which could basically mean you are seeing a failed physiotherapist about autism, which I would call criminally negligent. This is not an exaggerated metaphor, this is an actual real-world example from one of the 100’s of horror stories I have heard since sharing the recording of Atos.

Your mental state examination showed you had a normal facial expression.

Independent Assessment Services (PIP) special X-Ray mental health scan

This would be absolutely hilarious if it wasn’t me they were talking about. As part of a Mitchell and Webb sketch I can really see it working.

So in short: no. help. whatsoever.

In the short time I have been diagnosed I have noticed similarities in traits, thought processes and problems with other autistic people on the internet. These seem to vary in many ways across the ‘spectrum’ but here are some points I noticed in other autistics that it is important the DWP and the neuro-typical in general understands and it will lead to greater harmony between us. And the eventual destruction of your kind. Just Kidding.

When we encounter these problems, it is not merely a case of something we don’t like a bit, like an NT preference, the anxiety we face is NOTHING LIKE YOURS, it is all-encompassing and precludes a normal existence. To say it is like yours is discrimination. The psychologist described it like living on an ‘anxiety scale’, you are OK when you are lower down the scale, but when it hits the top the inevitable meltdowns occur.

A meltdown is what happens when you hit the top of the anxiety scale. Some of the problems listed above drive us further up this scale in different ways according to different people. Meltdowns are expressed in different ways which may appear as confrontational or challenging behaviours to the neuro-typical / non-autistic person. These are in fact, defensive, reactive behaviours due to our sensory environment, social interaction, anxiety and past experiences. Once a Meltdown occurs, altho some autists may have specific ways to exit, the event itself is immutable. The NT mind and corporate world is seemingly unable to cope in any way at all with Meltdowns and seems to deliberately want to cause them. We would like this to stop please.

By understanding how it is triggered, you can understand the behaviour and react accordingly. Increasing the pressure on an autist, using force or pushing the issue is the very very very very last thing you should do, especially during a Meltdown.

Increasingly it seems expressions of emotion are penalised and using swear words (common emotive words) can be filed under ‘aggressive’, ‘threatening’ or even ‘violent’ by the state. Take my example; After what I would call two years of just plain torture, I called the DWP Nazis and swore by typing letters into my keyboard via a script which repeated it around and around. This shows how rubbish their web application is but never mind that.

This behaviour is not extreme frustration at years of torture but is now re-branded as ‘violent’ in order to drive profits. When I now visit the DWP I have to be behind a glass screen like an accused murderer. Its a petty act and not particularly compatible with an anxiety-based illness as it just increases the likelihood of more Meltdown and similar behaviour.

The DWP followed that up with a letter containing a threat of litigation against my disability saying it would cost me at least 5k in legal costs if I didn’t stop being autistic. This is also not ideal anxiety wise for the autist, but I am willing to attempt to prove in court that the current ideology of the right wing is so similar to Nazism as to be worthy of assuming the name. Even the current geopolitical and economic situation is quite similar to the 1940’s.

Because saying the word fuck is much worse than acting out the word Nazi

my best mate

Conversely if the state fails in its duty of care to the people, there is no database box which we can tick to penalise it. not even the voting system which is being tirelessly manipulated by our press and god knows what external and internal interests. not even if it completely ignores our cries for help, not even if it starves and kills us, not even if it breaks all criminal and moral laws to do so, not even if it is slated by the UN, not even if it is held in contempt of parliament, not even if it tanks the entire country. no. come. back. whatsoever.

The world is designed mostly by business, with the increasing pressure to ‘corporatise’ existence now valuing profit over human life and with outrageous cuts and a shift to a database driven environment that limits human behaviour to an extremely narrow band of neuro-typical reactions. This discriminates against autists, seeing as their brains do not work in the same way as the people responsible for making this abomination of a system. It seems the word ‘neuro-typical’ was invented simply because people are so bigoted they have to create a whole special word to remind them not to be.

Autistic people with well-developed masks may do better in certain situations compared to autistics without masking skills. Still, masking may come with a heavy cost, leading to physical exhaustion, anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and burnout. The mask can breed self-loathing, leading the wearer to believe the unmasked person is somehow damaged, flawed, or broken.

Christa Holmans – Neurodivergent Rebel

There is a total lack of training on autism pretty much everywhere and we are a significant portion of the population :/ I have highly developed masks for different situations. Using them is boring. I prefer to be myself.

One fascinating consequence of my identification as an autistic person is that I can now tell when I’m launching into social adaptations that go beyond the me I’m more comfortable with. There must be shades of masking, gradations if you will. Some late diagnosed autistic writers I’ve encountered (via blogging) write about the difficulty in knowing where the line is between the adaptations they’ve learned and the ‘authentic self’. Articulate and deeply intelligent beings they often conclude that there is no such line.

Sonia Boue

The word ‘actually’ (as in the #actuallyautistic tag on twitter) is used by autists because people keep mistaking us for and treating us the same as NT’s. it means YES our brains are actually different to yours. In some ways they are better, but they are terrible at navigating the world made by your brains. In some ways the world you have created is diametrically opposed to how we are. the constant demands are particularly difficult as many of us experience PDA and have difficultly with the large amounts of petty and meaningless tasks that are part of normal modern living and don’t even need to exist.

What would happen if the autism gene was eliminated from the gene pool? You would have a bunch of people standing around in a cave, chatting and socializing and not getting anything done.

Temple Grandin

I could take many examples, from the NHS, private companies mental health assessments, there are numerous cases of abuse, far too many to list here. Most of the examples could be perhaps summarised by a failure to conform to current discriminatory and criminal law and a deep disdain for human life over profit. Treating humans as corporate SQL database entries is in my opinion not an avenue we should be travelling down. The PIP and other government assessments do not cater for autists at all and are criminally negligent.

This all boils down to the fact that at some point someone, somewhere thought it was a good idea to apply the working principles of large corporations to human beings, What has resulted is a devastating catastrophe that is killing many people and shames the UK. Lets stop doing that.

these dudes charged me 5 times, told me i hadnt been charged and cancelled the ticket.

after the phone call…

i booked a train ticket instead…

feel free to share these videos…

I was recently told i meet the criteria for the algorithm that says I am ‘neuro-divergent’ i.e. I think differently to most other people. Woop de woo big fucking deal. It occurs to me that I don’t really have a disorder, the problems I have mostly relate to how the institutional structures of the state deal with me and the anxiety and depression of dealing with life with my senses turned up to 11. In a world which is not designed for me, the problems have grown and grown as it becomes more and more hopeless and you repeat the same shit round and round. They say autists learn to be outside of our bodies at an early age because they are quite overwhelming, so the world inside grows. If i was able to thrive in a peaceful environment I could flourish and I think even dumb ass neuro-typical people could enjoy the output of what i was made to do (music). (lol)

Here is a nice infographic I was sent the day after I had this burden lumped on me.

They say Satie, Mozart, Kubrick, Einstein and Edison were all autists yet the DVLA regard it is a driving disability and demand you tell them with a threat of a £1000 fine. I have ridden extremely high powered motorbikes for over 20 years, with only two very minor incidents both of which nobody could have avoided. Some autists report a feeling of ‘omnipresence’ when driving, knowing what other drivers are going to do before they do. Some are able to focus to deep level and have a highly tuned awareness, ie they are better drivers than Neuro-typs. It shocked me that I have so many things in common with other autists:

How dare they call my brain a disorder, A person with a disorder thinks:

As time goes on, the corporatisation of everything has made it impossible for people like me to interface with any kind of institution that tells me to do something. Corporatism has created such an imbalance that real peoples lives are treated according to corporate agreements. Profit motive comes before life. Behaviour is restricted to more and more of a narrow bandwidth. the state is allowed to discriminate and torture you if it wants, yet if you employ commonly used swear words used for the lower classes to express emotion – you are abusive and it may legally persecute you even more! Roughly 1% of people fit the DISCO algorithms criteria and they say many more are ‘undiagnosed’. If I can get to 46 without knowing or being ‘diagnosed’ it would suggest so.

Our human attempts to categorise the infinite complexity of the brain through a questionnaire seem as pointless as a fish flapping its fins to walk. you see what I did there? no. ok never mind. It seems to me that the human race should be changing its behaviour to allow for a larger spectrum of difference. It seems to me that this narrow bandwidth of acceptable behaviour within the current dominant culture is discriminatory against autists fundamental need to speak their authentic truth. Dr Stephen Porges says autism could just be the next step our brain is taking in evolving but the software isnt quite right yet. He describes ‘neuro typical’ humans as having ‘old software’ which is an interesting concept. What strikes me as weird is the human race has to invent a word for something that is obvious anyway – all humans are different, of course! You don’t need the word ‘neuro-divergent’ – you need to open your minds.

The words ‘Neuro-Typical’ and ‘Neuro-Divergent’ are words designed to remind people not to be bigots.

KWsummaryASDDiagnosisLtr-1

Helped out by the fantastic HelpMusiciansUK without whom I would probably be dead or one of those guys with beers and dogs by the cashpoint I finally managed to get to the psychologists that the NHS firstly failed to provide after referring me, and then failed to give me any service at all.

I expressed my hatred of the state and communicated I was an anarchist and these people assured me that the report they made would be ‘mine’. I am not sure whether the 3 grand they were paid to make this report was the reason they lied. The report is actually available to the state and on my records for 7 years and cannot be erased, which means they are lying cunts whom I would never deal with again.

I wanted to bury this report and just use the information for my own thought processes and general use. No dice. Liars!

Brazil is given too little credit when compared to 1984 and Brave New World.

I AM AUTISTIC

This was mostly written before I was diagnosed with autism but it still applies :)

Hi, I am Kris, i have various mental problems which i mostly like to keep to myself. Unfortunately living involves highly inconvenient interaction with other human beings, which means I have to share my mental problems with you (possibly) in order for us to get along.

(a lot of the specific autistic stuff is now listed here and I understand it a whole lot better.)

I am happiest keeping busy being creative in any form or doing work on the land in farms with animals etc. I am not very sociable and I don’t like most people especially loud people or people who don’t let you get a word in. I don’t generally like people that aren’t highly intelligent either, its boring having to wait for slow minds. I mostly like intelligent artists and hackers. When I meet people I like I can be very sociable but I have very little time for uninteresting people. Not to say they aren’t interesting to themselves, and I am sure their mothers think they are great n that.

I cant handle bright lights, big crowds. I am hyper sensitive to noise, so if there is the slightest background noise or interruption I find it almost impossible to concentrate. I cannot handle too much input in any form. When it becomes too much I become ‘overloaded’ and I have to get away from the source as quickly as possible or I freak out. I suffer from bouts of depression and I am extremely suspicious of people based on lots of people letting me down in the past. I am really strange about appointments and if someone breaks one I am likely to completely freak out on them and never talk to them again. I really don’t like becoming like that and try to avoid it as much as possible which is why I have to write all this crap out. I just can’t help myself, my head becomes such a buzz of emotion, I cannot stop it coming out of me.

( I have now realised that over time I have developed many mechanisms to try and avoid these situations before they happen by any means necessary)

I make stupid emotionally-based decisions, and I am very anxious. Thanks to ‘Tumshie in Stasis’ for being the first person to point that out.

I have a strange attitude to sound. I have searched for years to find the right place to work. In my search for creative nirvana I have visited several countries and not once found anything suitable to work in. I even travelled to central America thinking I could continue my project there. Nada. I was looking for a certain type of peace and quiet. It’s little noises that drive me crazy and the slightest thing can ruin my concentration. As I do extremely complicated things on a computer it requires a lot of brain space to keep track of it all. one small thing can put me off and set me back for ages. Conversely when making the sound if I know the sound is going to happen it is not a problem. It is sound I cant control I have a problem with. I know. I’m mad :) I like the way my brain works

My interactions with my friends are somewhat of an act in that inside I am usually not as neuro-typical and happy as they might think. I am happy because of their company, not (usually) my internal situation. Depending on the day the act may be more forced. On a bad day, i probably won’t speak to them or answer messages. Again, I expect one rule for everyone else but then when I feel shit I won’t answer them. heh. Yes I am a hypocrite. You could in fact call me HypoKris ( © 2019 Carrie-Anne ), but then I might get offended.

Everything adds to my anxiety, if you come a cropper of one of the many things that trigger me then having to explain why it happened to you actually adds to the stress and frustration of not being understood. I guess partly because i have not been understood so many times, its like something repeatedly slapping you in the face, driving you mental over and over again. It makes me want to give up. I get very frustrated if I cant communicate. (referenced in the repetitive action frustrations in the autism guide)

All this stuff has become exacerbated over time, each fuck up amplifying it all to the point where I am literally sick of interacting with the human race. Each time the same things trigger me and each time most people cannot understand – a fair portion of them saying they do understand at the same time. They don’t. Its annoying because its reached such fever pitch that I become so irrational and people cannot understand why. I feel in a way like they are attacking some very sore point that has been attacked many many times before, and they feel like they did absolutely nothing lols.

I will often cut off things before they hurt me. Especially if I am unsure of the person because I am so bored of getting to that point again. That means I cut off pretty much everything ASAP.

I take things far too literally. If you say ‘I will call you in 20 minutes or something’ I will erase the ‘or something’ in my brain. You are telling me you will call me within 20 mins and no longer. If you haven’t called me by 20 minutes i will start to ERROR!. If you say I will see you in a coupla of weeks, that means you will actually see me within that time and if you don’t ERROR!

My problem seems to stem around

  1. communications
  2. brain chemicals
  3. fear of abandonment

When I reach a point where my communications are becoming too much or i feel the person involved might ‘let me down’ i become irrational and very / (more) anxious. This is usually triggered by:

  1. being ignored, if a communication isnt answered within a day then i am being ignored
  2. arranging to go somewhere or do something and then not being there or not doing it.
  3. Perceiving that either of these two things might happen. If I don’t know the person very well I usually assume they are going to mess me about, let me down etc.

I react to different types of communication differently.

If you send me an email and don’t get answer, I hate to get another one, that to me feels like someone is tapping you on the shoulder constantly demanding you answer. That will stress me out and it makes me feel like anxiety is building in me if I don’t answer and it makes me annoyed for some reason. If the email contains a link or some other information that i have to spend time looking at and then get back to you with an appraisal, then that feels like someone is forcibly putting something on my to do list and PDA kicks in. My general level of anxiety and depression and feeling like my life is worthless without achieving something artistic means that anything inserted on the todo list just adds to pressure. I feel like I need to complete something decent before I die.

I prefer not to communicate over the internet unless its for work or best friends.

The problem I have with communicating with people on the internet is I see it as a direct insight into my brain as I do not filter whatsoever. I resent letting people see inside my true self who I don’t know or respect and my true self is not particularly polite to people who abuse me. I feel that poisoning this purity of expression poisons my music. My personality is pretty much based around creative thought. That people call my words ‘inappropriate’ or attempt to frame them as ‘violent’ is irrelevant to me, the music is all that matters. This basically means whenever I deal with the government now I have to be inside a glass screen like an accused mass-murderer because my words are not to their liking.

Phone is my preferred method of communications as long as it doesn’t go on too long.

I enjoy voice communication but if there are no gaps i become overloaded with too much information, it depends on the person or the subject as to how long i can stand it :D if its something I’m not interested in, which is most things, then I become bored quickly.

If I send you a message and you don’t respond within about 4 seconds you are likely to trigger me and we are likely to fall out because I feel you are ignoring me. I have the need to control my communications to make sure I don’t become a twat. I am the twat police for myself.

Why do i do all that?

Cos I am mental obvs. I don’t really know why I am like I am, and doctors are useless. I think it might be something to do with losing everything and everyone I have ever loved. And the trauma of each loss, all bundled up into one so I am absolutely terrified of abandonment. That’s why there are few people that can really ignore me in my life without me freaking out completely. I have to be really sure they will not abandon me.

I am more suited to close friends, casual acquaintances are more likely to trigger me cos the trust is not there. I would love to stop being mental, at least in the whole communication regard, its quite debilitating, but its clear and unfortunate that the NHS cannot offer me any help so whatever is wrong with me is essentially ignored and I am expected to behave like everyone else in an official capacity. that’s bollocks, but that’s the way the world is. fuck you world.