the Highland Council – the native home of backslapping incompetence

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We all know that all councils are totally useless. all of them fuck everything up all the time, if you don’t fill in the correct form they literally cannot function. They want huge amounts of money from you for doing nothing, and as far as I can see the only useful function they serve is picking up waste, it seems to me they could just be replaced with a waste company.

You know how the say the cream rises to the top? Well so do turds. The Highland Council rises above other councils in terms of the dizzying heights they have achieved in incompetence.

We sat down and brainstormed what it is the council do, this is all the stuff we could think of:

  • something to do with roads but not in our area
  • waste money putting road signs up in some weird ass language I never even knew existed
  • employ someone to pick up rubbish
  • kit our their offices with nice stuff, big TVs
  • go out for lunch
  • hold long meetings with in-depth discussions of nothing
  • pretend they have a proper job
  • my partners child cannot get help with travel into school, meaning she would have to go back to a school that should have been sued for the way they treated her but the council will happily pay for your travel if you are a non-garlic speaking family that wants the ‘status’ of learning garlic – apparently thats a thing in Scotland – you have status from garlic. or something. beats me
  • make lots of road signs in this weird language I never heard of
  • errr, im struggling now…. oh they pay the water company as well
  • that’s it

With the current management of the highland council, one can imagine whale-inclusive schools, where they teach dolphin and whale clicks and farts to 6 year old kids while they grind up the bones of disabled children into a powder that they snort in their HQ’s basement.

Dolphin is really important to learn if you want to be a smack addict that can’t get a job on an oil rig.

You can just imagine the kids sitting there now being corrected on their dolphin fart noises. In fact, dolphin is actually more useful than garlic, there are way way more sentient beings you can converse with in dolphin than garlic. A dolphin is also more likely to give you a job than anyone who speaks garlic as dolphin pleasuring is a burgeoning industry atm what with the whole climate awareness thing.

As only 0.6% of the population use garlic you would think that it would not be a great priority, considering we are living in this age of the fake austerity meme where disabled people are still paying for the greed and failure of bankers and their cocaine habits. But no. Garlic is more important. tbh i thought it was something you put in spaghetti.


The highland council are definitely supposed to be responsible for roads. it says so on their website. Just not any roads anywhere near us.

According to one of their robot drones on the phone – it is really difficult to put a road sign up and our village has cars speeding by at ridiculous speeds constantly.

It seems the fact that the death of my partners father and the next door neighbours father on the same road is not reason enough to build a crossing across a national speed limit carriageway – which is what we have to cross if we wanted to go to the shop or send my partners child to the local school.

It is not enough that my partners autistic child has to regularly walk down this road with no pavement and cross the national speed limit 4 lane carriageway with two junctions coming off it.

It’s also not enough that we cant even let our pet out without huge anxiety because of the reckless and illegal driving of the crusty old fuds in this area. no offence crusty old fuds.

What would be enough ? Would a whole busload of people have to die for it to become a priority ? We wonder what the death count would have to be before something is done ? 30? 40 people dead ? What is it ?

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