Guatemala – travel review

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IMG_20151104_083731650_HDRGuatemala is a sorry ass shithole rammed full of imbeciles, much like all countries only here they have more plastic. After a years worth of investigation for this travel blog I have come to the conclusion that it’s people are just plain simpletons. Guatemalans will laugh at anything and everything and they will frequently stare at you like rapists. They kick and abuse animals in ways that would shock you and they have no respect or knowledge of their environment. Litter lines the towns, roads and spots of natural beauty, their most beautiful lake is almost contaminated to the point of no return. It costs money to have the rubbish taken away so they burn the plastic and organic matter all over the place, often just by the side of the road, next to the kids playing. When they do pay, the basura is taken and luzzed into huge land-fill dumps in the middle of beautiful forest, preferably so its rancid runoff is leaking into the water supply of the local town. Guatemalan people are very proud of their nation, they have no respect for it but expect everyone else to think its great. They will always ask you with a big smile what you think of their country, expecting some glowing retort. Their lord only knows why they expect you to like scenes of natural beauty covered in American plastic confectionery wrappers and plastic bottles. If anything it makes it more disappointing that you have these magnificent landscapes and fuckwit humans are just shitting all over them.

If someone wants to get your attention in Guatemala, they will hiss at you. Sometimes they might whistle at you, but they will never say excuse me, hello, or your name. The people are friendly on the face of it, but the smiles and hissing hide bigotry and petty, bitter shit. Values that are past their sell by date, consigned to the glass by the bed with the false teeth in. People get bitterly jealous of others that have made money or inherited land. In the local town, a ten year old child with a stomach ache died because the parents were suspicious of doctors. Babies are like handbags, strangers are not trusted. They fuck like rabbits at way below our age of consent and have no clue how to look after them, stuffing them with frioles and tortillas, shit chemical plastic sweets and leaving them to act out lord of the flies in the jungle.

Every possible type of god-botherer has flocked to Guatemala to peddle their fuckwad faery and goblin stuff on the unsuspecting and woefully educated populace. Even the amusing Mormons, with their secret pants and ridiculous backstory. There are an incredible amount of Churches, of many types; impromptu tin shacks in the jungle, original Spanish colonial churches, huge tacky white pristine buildings in the middle of very poor towns, one guy was even attempting to build a miniature version of the Sagrada Familiar in Xela, complete with god-style pointy security fencing and a white limo parked outside. One thing that unifies them is that the doors are locked when the pastor leaves. Still, despite the riches, they beg for cash from the dirt poor fucks to build more. Sadly, the dirt poor fucks lap it up and are only too keen to give their nothing away to whosoever asks in the name of the Lord. I was asked ‘What church do you attend?’ rather than ‘Do you believe in God?’. The church and army have unlimited dinero for ordinance, fireworks, helicopter exercises, buildings, parades and other futile events but most of the people seem to live in shitty shacks. Although there are huge TV’s and bass speakers everywhere nobody can seem to afford decent food. Some of the super idiots conduct black magic rituals and worship a wooden puppet dressed as a banker called Maximón, although some small part of me likes to think they are just having fun and the human race really isn’t totally fucked. They pretend to feed the puppet cigarettes and rum and treat the cigarette ash as holy. It’s then used to make wishes of love, revenge etc while the visitors are obliged to stuff Maximón’s pockets with cash, presumably spunked on booze by the puppet owner at the end of a good days worship. This mixture of alcohol, cash, fake black magic and the bible is pushed as a tourist event with no whiff of irony.

Every place has its pastors, ostensibly for religious guidance and wisdom, but mostly for cash, power and position. Cash Luna is one of the evangelical pastors who travel around peddling fake miracles to the masses during huge rallies. He is among the richest religious figures in the world, and travels between events by private jet. The miracle of someone dying onstage during one healing was initially publicly put down to feinting while they carted the body off, presumably so as not to interrupt the flow of cash. They even caught a woman who was paid to pretend she was healed and his followers still wont google translate his name. Some of the biggest Narco’s and corrupt military sit in the front row of Mr Luna’s 12,000 person ‘Casa de Dios‘ (duh house of god) church in Guatemala city on a Sunday. God works in mysterious ways. In Santa Catarina, another pastor wanted to illegally chop down a beautiful tree, so he offered some bribe money to my neighbour. The entire area was named after this old tree but it was obstructing his view. This is the level these religious people are on. Thankfully. the tree still stands for now and the pastor is free to continue fucking his secret girlfriends. Despite the blatant and systemic corruption, the dirt poor stupid fucks love it. Lets face it – if they didn’t love it they would have been wiped out by the Spanish so there’s a fairly hardcore evolutionary precedent there.

PNC Guatemala, La Policia’s twitter account proudly posts arrest after arrest of dirt poor fucks for the type of petty crimes that every other police force in the world wouldn’t bother mentioning. Someone stole a fucked up shitty scooter, a 32 second video of some militarised police moving a drunken guy on crutches out of the main square in Antigua, coupla nice info-graphics with pictures of some guys arms in cuffs. While they are posting pictures of the police giving kids plastic presents wrapped in plastic the cartels roam free, paying off whoever they need to and conducting business out in the open. PNC Guatemala were having a great old laugh as they robbed me for 300 Quetzales (30 GBP). The guy even climbed up into his big law vehicle and put his hand out backwards for the ‘fine’. The last president and his friends are all in prison, stealing an obscene amount of tax money for themselves, pushing the populace further into poverty, driving them to desperation and petty crime! The current President is a comedian, with his family already tied up in corruption allegations. The ‘glorious’ Guatemalan army are even worse, their only combat experience being killing their own people.

If you ever buy anything here and it is faulty or you don’t get a decent service, there is absolutely no chance of getting your money back. This even goes for large businesses, they will say or do anything to keep your money, including making up charges, blatant lying or whatever they want. I couldn’t have a replacement or my money back for some piece of shit I bought from Steren in Guatemala City because it had been ‘tampered with’ – which in English means – ‘it didn’t work when I got it home from the shop and they don’t want to give me my money back.’ Literally everything you buy in Guatemala is total shit, and if you are white the shopkeepers will greet you like an old friend and you will then be charged double for said total shit. Furthermore, if you make a deal with anyone in Guatemala, they will fuck you. 100% Guaranteed. Expect them to go back on everything they say, not turn up for any meetings or fulfil anything they say. If you try and get your money back, expect them to threaten you with death, or to ‘run you out the country’ – that’s a popular phrase. They will tell you that you don’t understand how it works in Guatemala, and that they do things differently etc. What they mean is they are ripping you off. Blatant. In your face. I’ve been ripped off here so many times I can’t keep count.

Guatemala is an environmental disaster. Nobody is educated. Nightmarish amounts of cement production and construction are everywhere, all controlled by one company, as is every bottle made here, corruption is massive, competition is non-existent. The cars all look like they are about to fall apart, the drivers have no clue what they are doing. After extensive research, I’m almost positive that switching both indicators on means ‘ I am about to do something really stupid’ although I haven’t actually read the Guatemalan ‘highway code’, if such a thing exists. The rich Guatemalans who own cars are an embarrassment with their American 4×4’s. Its all about appearances for them with the tacky gold rimmed sunglasses, ridiculous clothes usually exclaiming some link to the USA and far too much make up on the women. Once a year round the famous Lake Atitlan they descend upon the poor villages for ‘Semana Santa’. This seems to be a celebration of alcohol, flaunting wealth and parading around in big American gas guzzling tanks, not sure how religion fits in. Americans here mostly have no clue about OPERATION PBSUCCESS, OPERATION PBHISTORY or 1954, some of them have a vague inkling that there was some kind of ‘coup’ but that’s about as far as it goes. They don’t see any disrespect in wandering around a country they have destroyed. If I was an American here, I would be walking round with bunches of flowers, knocking door to door, apologising for my countries disgusting behaviour.

Sound wise, the Guatemalans are a profoundly selfish race, pumping out the shittest music as loud as they can, usually with the sub bass overpowering the rest of it. No regard is given to any neighbours, whether anyone is asleep or whether they like the music playing. In a Guatemalan shop, the louder the music pumped from large speakers outside, the more expensive the items are inside. it is not uncommon to set off the ‘quertes’ – fireworks at 4 or 5am, with no regard to sleeping babies / people / night workers etc. Asking the clergy in St Francis of Assisi church (note Francis was quite into animals)  if they wouldn’t mind giving the quertes a rest because its scaring the shit out of the animals is met with a smile and a ‘Its tradition’, meaning fuckoff. It was also the churches tradition to burn gays in the street, but they seem reticent to trot that out these days. Utter twats will ride around the streets playing music and adverts through megaphones at any time of morning or night, completely oblivious to the fact that megaphones are for voices. Furthermore, they seem to lack *any kind of empathy and not just for my dog that they macheted.

I get this weird feeling that this country is an American mass social experiment. They successfully conduct a full spectrum propaganda campaign, both internal and external, covert and overt. They crush it in every way possible, then flood it with their goods, culture and religions to see if the people accept this tripe after the decimation of their country. Sure enough, nobody seems to boycott American goods here, T-Shirts with American flags on are seen frequently, although probably made in China or elsewhere. The culture has been assimilated, nobody seems bothered by what they did, or even know. The beauty for the USA is, they actually aspire to it. Its like the Spanish invasion in fast forward. This proves that when you remove a countries education, beat its people down and flood it with religion you can get people to do whatever the fuck you want with standard, economical and low tech brainwashing techniques.

23 families dominate Guatemala, the church and military control everything, and everyone is too stupid to do anything. If you complain against the large corporations taking the land from poor people, you will most likely end up dead.  If you are a foreigner complaining or meddling in Guatemalan politics, you will most likely end up dead. In fact, Guatemala is the most violent country in the world. I was struck at how the newspapers regularly show the bodies of murder victims with no regard to their families. Each morbid article accompanied with a step-by-step info graphic showing which direction the assassin came from and exactly how the person(s) was offed. The locals where I live call the ‘Nuestro Diario’ – (Our Diary) the ‘Muerto Diario’ or ‘death diary’.

La Hente (the people) have a great fondness for animal cruelty, only the other day I saw a fat woman (i.e. the only type of woman in Guatemala) beckon two 5 month old pups over, when these tiny pups yapped at her ( which doesn’t seem to be earth shatteringly odd ) she threw a rock concealed in her other hand, in front of her kids of course. They teach their children to kick or hit dogs with stones and sticks from a very early age. Walking down the street with a dog, you will see the people part before you, nobody wants to walk near you, its quite something. Its like our combined human knowledge didn’t reach this part of the world, despite it having full internet access in many places for free. Nobody told anyone here that dogs bark because they are alive, or scared, or simply trying to ascertain your intentions. Nobody told anyone here the right way to approach a dog is not to fucking hit it with a stick or throw a rock at it. I mean you cant even blame it on education, its just basic fucking stupidity. The teachings of Christianity / Catholicism that were forced on Guatemala have a lot to answer for in this regard. The idiotic idea that animals are beasts with no soul is deep rooted in people here, money and the self is king.

Guatemalans are proud of their traditional food dishes which are beyond shit. Frioles and tortillas, not exactly fucking brain food is it. Frioles are beans, not bad for you at all, but they have an abundance of them and still buy tinned processed ones from the local tiendas. Its unfortunate that the tinned processed beans do look exactly like a log of turd when they schlop onto your plate. Tortillas are these disgusting smelling maize patties that taste of absolutely nothing. The diet is always the same – combined with either shit processed meat (unbelievably called FUD) – or this kind of cream cheese sauce thing, which is a bit like processed vomit with preservatives. They squirt it all over the processed beans in an effort to, I’m not sure what. How emulating the look of a very sick mouse let loose on a plate of imitation beans with a post-it note stuck to its forehead makes it appear more edible is beyond me Sonny. The other dish they make which they are so proud of are these tamales – the only feature of this meal is that it is wrapped in a leaf of a plant and cooked. You can have different types of tamales, but basically its shit in a leaf. Its sad that you could obtain or grow many decent organic ingredients in Guatemala but the knowledge or will to improve practise is not there and you are left with shit in a leaf.

This weird, abusive, paranoid, fraudulent, racist and completely self-centred culture is something to avoid like the Blue Waffle.

Guatemala is fucked, don’t bother going there unless you are travelling through or are going to nuke it.


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