help me to die later than scheduled

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spose this could also be entitled ‘help me to die later than the NHS want me to’

Due to the institutional ableism in the NHS i am in pretty bad health. leaving the autism thing and PTSD aside i have quite a few physical ailments that are now such a problem i feel the following attempt is my only hope.

ive had a hernia for nearly a year now (dont try to lift trees on your own) which is getting more painful. ive moved five times since i had it which involves lifting all my stuff which youre not supposed to do. this has fucked me.

after many refusals of service from the NHS, refusal by Virgincare to give me a legally mandated assessment, refusal by UK councils to conform to disability law and all kinds of discrimination battles ive fought to try and get the basic service they say they are supposed to provide – i went downhill. ive also been homeless, moving from place to place. during the lockdown i was sent to a YMCA by Bath Council, they tried to lock me in it so i left for a friends mouldy basement where i got a nasty cough.

i stopped looking after myself, ive left myself to rot. i stopped washing, eating, brushing my teeth etc.

unfortunately, the NHS is an ableist institution, they deny us any treatment or try to label us as inappropriate or violent. as long as there is a legal framework for our exclusion that they can squeeze us into, they will take whatever path saves them the most money.

Over the last four years i have banged on and on and on about wanting any kind of service at all. i have begged, cried and screamed, nothing i could say or do would get me anywhere, even when i told my last doctor its been 4 years, they told me i can have a follow up appointment to my diagnosis ( about 1.5 years ago now) :

When hell freezes over

Dr Brunskill at the Pulteney Practice in Bath

Seriously. the guy actually said that verbatim.

my body is dying now and my guts have split open. theres dead nerves in my leg i cant feel my foot for years now, every time i ask for help, they always refuse, theres always an excuse why not. the feeling is its too much trouble to actually get a real doctor, we wouldnt want to waste their time. say for my leg when i mention it im told ‘oh you would have to see a physiotherapist for that’. so i say OK, off you go, and every time there is this feeling like im wasting their time and the conclusion i have come to is that the general GP exists to cull disabled people, i call them the gatekeepers of disabled death. After four years of screaming for help there is no other conclusion but to think, they want me to die as quickly as possible. At this point there is no other option but to attempt to pay to save my own life :/

its important to note this is not because of the virus, atm ‘during this difficult time’ (if someone says that to me again im going to kill a cute kitten) is the phrase they like to use before they tell you to fuckoff but it makes precisely zero difference to me. no service before the virus versus no service after the virus. same fucking diff.

This is due to one of napoleans generals and some fascist cunt who decided to copy him. its called triage. they also do it in the hospital and all over the NHS. for example, 6 months ago, in pain from my guts internally splitting open i went to the doctor. he wouldnt or couldnt get me surgery so i tried A&E in several different hospitals.

in each one napoleans general told me to fuckoff. they explained that as im not dying right now there is no need for them to do anything. the guts would actually have to split open and then strangulate and me be screaming on the floor for them to operate and it didnt matter that im autistic, that they havent done anything for me for 4 years, that im extremely anxious that i may die from it or that its caused irreparable harm without treatment. So much for preventative medicine!

i complained, again saddled with another pointless task that uses my disability to exclude me. the distress of all that was specifically ruled out as meaningless by a senior doctor to me on the phone (which i recorded). he also said he would be happy to tell the whole autistic community that the torture we go through as a result of their inaction doesnt legally mean anything (the key point as no morals or equality laws seem to be involved), shouldnt give us any priority and we are free to go private. its obvious the doctor himself was well off and did private work. fuck me he needs a slap. he actually sounded like a psychopath. i should out him and upload the recording. heh.

If private doctors outside the NHS think im autistic, i challenge the useless ableist NHS to prove i am or even see me once. give me one follow up appointment or a test, show me my brain is different to other peoples, PROVE IT OR ADMIT YOU WOULD RATHER I DIE AND STOP COSTING YOU MONEY.

my only option to live seems to be private medicine, a bitter pill to swallow to someone who loved the NHS dearly and an impossibility with the 5 pounds i have so im writing this instead.

after the last doctor told me they again cant get me any service and i was thrown out the practice for my email reply to that, the solicitors got involved and i had a heated phone conversation with the manager – Chris Clapp. he was dripping with that ableist vibe, much like the manager at shelters legal team Gareth Owen. you could hear the steam coming out of his ears and his words struggled through gritted teeth. in this call and only because of the legal pressure he told me i could be signed back on the practice, have my own doctor and that he would conform to disability laws. hurrah! the next day he changed his mind, said my words are inappropriate and threw me out of the practice for the third time.

in the real world, my words are completely appropriate, thats the crux of it, my words are just too fucking appropriate. what would you say to someone whose job it is to keep you healthy but instead is trying to kill you ? thankyou very much guv’nor? What do you say when they exclude you for 4 years while you get worse and worse and worse? cheers mate, youre a peach ?

no you dont say that do you ? you say stop fucking killing me and do your fucking job you useless fucking cunt. my words are violent here, but leaving me with an open internal wound to die as im homeless moving heavy gear on my own between place to place as i rapidly deteriorate is not. killing me by letting my insides rip apart is not violent, but ‘fucking cunt’ is. i regard it as an attempt to deny my right to use collections of syllables which annoy people. the truth is i dont approach them with fucking cunt, i have tried every way possible to beg for treatment, it *always* ends up with fucking cunt tho. lol.

in your new world being upset is now violent. at one point when the pain subsided for a bit i told the doctor again, he said oh thats because its split open more and theres more room for your organs to fall out so its more comfortable. that was his reason to not worry so much about getting surgery rather than the opposite which is obviously completely insane.

i bet your fingers dont hurt much when your forearm is chopped off but is that any reason to not worry about putting the forearm back on ? is there any need to explain why this is not right to a doctor ? i dont get it.

to be noticed by any care service that exists for autistic people you have to either:

  • mention suicide
  • be sobbing on the floor begging for help
  • be minutes away from death

if you dont display your trauma to some stranger in a sterile room, there is nothing wrong with you. at the same time the supposed systems in place that would negate these problems have been decimated. they no longer exist. get help they say. there simply isnt any.

all systems classify me as inappropriate or violent but all i do is say what i think based on what i have learnt. these legal classifications and exclusions exist to cull disabled people. there is no other conclusion, feigning ignorance at this stage seems ridiculous.

basically although i dont have much hope of it happening, one of my core functions is to survive and complete music i enjoy so i am bound to do the following:


i have now sent out for quotes. it seems very unlikely the NHS will ever treat me, and i am very unlikely to trust them again after the torture they put me through.

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