I AM AUTISTIC
This was mostly written before I was diagnosed with autism but it still applies :)
Hi, I am Kris, i have various mental problems which i mostly like to keep to myself. Unfortunately living involves highly inconvenient interaction with other human beings, which means I have to share my mental problems with you (possibly) in order for us to get along.
(a lot of the specific autistic stuff is now listed here and I understand it a whole lot better.)
I am happiest keeping busy being creative in any form or doing work on the land in farms with animals etc. I am not very sociable and I don’t like most people especially loud people or people who don’t let you get a word in. I don’t generally like people that aren’t highly intelligent either, its boring having to wait for slow minds. I mostly like intelligent artists and hackers. When I meet people I like I can be very sociable but I have very little time for uninteresting people. Not to say they aren’t interesting to themselves, and I am sure their mothers think they are great n that.
I cant handle bright lights, big crowds. I am hyper sensitive to noise, so if there is the slightest background noise or interruption I find it almost impossible to concentrate. I cannot handle too much input in any form. When it becomes too much I become ‘overloaded’ and I have to get away from the source as quickly as possible or I freak out. I suffer from bouts of depression and I am extremely suspicious of people based on lots of people letting me down in the past. I am really strange about appointments and if someone breaks one I am likely to completely freak out on them and never talk to them again. I really don’t like becoming like that and try to avoid it as much as possible which is why I have to write all this crap out. I just can’t help myself, my head becomes such a buzz of emotion, I cannot stop it coming out of me.
( I have now realised that over time I have developed many mechanisms to try and avoid these situations before they happen by any means necessary)
I make stupid emotionally-based decisions, and I am very anxious. Thanks to ‘Tumshie in Stasis’ for being the first person to point that out.
I have a strange attitude to sound. I have searched for years to find the right place to work. In my search for creative nirvana I have visited several countries and not once found anything suitable to work in. I even travelled to central America thinking I could continue my project there. Nada. I was looking for a certain type of peace and quiet. It’s little noises that drive me crazy and the slightest thing can ruin my concentration. As I do extremely complicated things on a computer it requires a lot of brain space to keep track of it all. one small thing can put me off and set me back for ages. Conversely when making the sound if I know the sound is going to happen it is not a problem. It is sound I cant control I have a problem with. I know. I’m mad :) I like the way my brain works
My interactions with my friends are somewhat of an act in that inside I am usually not as neuro-typical and happy as they might think. I am happy because of their company, not (usually) my internal situation. Depending on the day the act may be more forced. On a bad day, i probably won’t speak to them or answer messages. Again, I expect one rule for everyone else but then when I feel shit I won’t answer them. heh. Yes I am a hypocrite. You could in fact call me HypoKris ( © 2019 Carrie-Anne ), but then I might get offended.
Everything adds to my anxiety, if you come a cropper of one of the many things that trigger me then having to explain why it happened to you actually adds to the stress and frustration of not being understood. I guess partly because i have not been understood so many times, its like something repeatedly slapping you in the face, driving you mental over and over again. It makes me want to give up. I get very frustrated if I cant communicate. (referenced in the repetitive action frustrations in the autism guide)
All this stuff has become exacerbated over time, each fuck up amplifying it all to the point where I am literally sick of interacting with the human race. Each time the same things trigger me and each time most people cannot understand – a fair portion of them saying they do understand at the same time. They don’t. Its annoying because its reached such fever pitch that I become so irrational and people cannot understand why. I feel in a way like they are attacking some very sore point that has been attacked many many times before, and they feel like they did absolutely nothing lols.
I will often cut off things before they hurt me. Especially if I am unsure of the person because I am so bored of getting to that point again. That means I cut off pretty much everything ASAP.
I take things far too literally. If you say ‘I will call you in 20 minutes or something’ I will erase the ‘or something’ in my brain. You are telling me you will call me within 20 mins and no longer. If you haven’t called me by 20 minutes i will start to ERROR!. If you say I will see you in a coupla of weeks, that means you will actually see me within that time and if you don’t ERROR!
My problem seems to stem around
- brain chemicals
- fear of abandonment
When I reach a point where my communications are becoming too much or i feel the person involved might ‘let me down’ i become irrational and very / (more) anxious. This is usually triggered by:
- being ignored, if a communication isnt answered within a day then i am being ignored
- arranging to go somewhere or do something and then not being there or not doing it.
- Perceiving that either of these two things might happen. If I don’t know the person very well I usually assume they are going to mess me about, let me down etc.
I react to different types of communication differently.
If you send me an email and don’t get answer, I hate to get another one, that to me feels like someone is tapping you on the shoulder constantly demanding you answer. That will stress me out and it makes me feel like anxiety is building in me if I don’t answer and it makes me annoyed for some reason. If the email contains a link or some other information that i have to spend time looking at and then get back to you with an appraisal, then that feels like someone is forcibly putting something on my to do list and PDA kicks in. My general level of anxiety and depression and feeling like my life is worthless without achieving something artistic means that anything inserted on the todo list just adds to pressure. I feel like I need to complete something decent before I die.
I prefer not to communicate over the internet unless its for work or best friends.
The problem I have with communicating with people on the internet is I see it as a direct insight into my brain as I do not filter whatsoever. I resent letting people see inside my true self who I don’t know or respect and my true self is not particularly polite to people who abuse me. I feel that poisoning this purity of expression poisons my music. My personality is pretty much based around creative thought. That people call my words ‘inappropriate’ or attempt to frame them as ‘violent’ is irrelevant to me, the music is all that matters. This basically means whenever I deal with the government now I have to be inside a glass screen like an accused mass-murderer because my words are not to their liking.
Phone is my preferred method of communications as long as it doesn’t go on too long.
I enjoy voice communication but if there are no gaps i become overloaded with too much information, it depends on the person or the subject as to how long i can stand it :D if its something I’m not interested in, which is most things, then I become bored quickly.
If I send you a message and you don’t respond within about 4 seconds you are likely to trigger me and we are likely to fall out because I feel you are ignoring me. I have the need to control my communications to make sure I don’t become a twat. I am the twat police for myself.
Why do i do all that?
Cos I am mental obvs. I don’t really know why I am like I am, and doctors are useless. I think it might be something to do with losing everything and everyone I have ever loved. And the trauma of each loss, all bundled up into one so I am absolutely terrified of abandonment. That’s why there are few people that can really ignore me in my life without me freaking out completely. I have to be really sure they will not abandon me.
I am more suited to close friends, casual acquaintances are more likely to trigger me cos the trust is not there. I would love to stop being mental, at least in the whole communication regard, its quite debilitating, but its clear and unfortunate that the NHS cannot offer me any help so whatever is wrong with me is essentially ignored and I am expected to behave like everyone else in an official capacity. that’s bollocks, but that’s the way the world is. fuck you world.